In the Dark, Dark Night or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Like Breastfeeding

I still breastfeed the Badger Baby. I would be lying to your face*  if I told you it wasn’t difficult as heck.

But if you sit right there I’ll tell you all a little story of Badger Baby became the prince of breastfeeding...

So, I refused to make a birth plan, what with my OCD I was not going down that path.**

I also refused to read the informational chapter on c-sections In You are Doing EVERYTHING WRONG and YOUR BABY IS THE SIZE OF RANDOM PRODUCE     What To Expect When You Are Expecting. 

I was going to squeeze this baby out if it killed me. But he got stuck, was sunside up ***, and his heart rate dropped. When a baby’s heart rate drops you can do whatever to me just get the kid safe.

I did not expect the pain of recovery, the hopelessness of not being able to get on the floor for tummy time, the wearing of slippers until the swelling goes down, the sleepless nights. 

My little Badger had to spend some time in the special care nursery because of various complications of the birth process. They did let me hold him in my room after my drugs wore off and I tried to breast feed by sticking my boob in his face. It worked, sort of. It was by no means graceful or life affirming.

Badger  also got daily doses of formula because of the complications. I do not regret the Instructor making that decision; it allowed him to be involved in the nightly feedings and for me to have time to increase my milk supply.  Badger was never a picky eater and he had a strong latch.

I actually really injured one of my breasts because I didn’t realize the strength of his latch and just tried to pull him away. BIG MISTAKE!****

After that injury, I would have intense pain every time he latched on that breast. I kept it up, I swore like a sailor, screamed at my mom and husband, cried and thought about walking into traffic, but I kept it up. Turns out I had a yeast infection in the crack, mmm yeasty. 

I never enjoyed nursing in those first few months, in fact when he ate and pinched too hard I would call him a badger baby with robotic arms. It always seemed he was crying when I was alone with him, unless it was feeding him. 

You might be wondering why I used the name Badger Baby as an endearment, well it was never him it was me. I admire his tenacity and his wonderful stubbornness.

Part of the problem was that I was depressed. And once I realized that and sought help, things got easier, I bounced back; I had an easier time bonding with my son. I learned that I didn’t always have to try to make everything right on my own. It was fine to ask for help.

I learned that I was the mommy my Badger needed, not just the one he ended up with by chance.

So, I totally understand anyone who says breast feeding isn’t for them. It isn’t selfish to say, "Ok, I can’t handle this". You have to give up a lot, cold meds, allergy pills, drinking, sanity.

 I am glad that my journey led me to a calmer place. That ultimately by me sticking with it I got to keep that feeling of bonding time when I got home and to feel like I was taking care of him when I pumped at work. 

Now, if could just figure out a drama-free way to wean because that little badger dude is getting his top teeth. EEP!

 I also have great hope that things will be a bit easier with the next one. After all it won't be my first rodeo. 

from zedomax.com

*Great insult = YOUR FACE! 

**This was before I sought treatment so I would try to do opposite of what the cornstarch music monster (you know because it morphs) told me with mixed results

***nice way to say horrible back labor.

****If you are about to become a new mother never do this. Stick your finger in their mouth and de-latch, I don’t’ care if you are OCD and feel like all the dirt of the hospital is on your hands just do it!