Thursday, April 26, 2012

Working 9 to 5

Sometimes when a person has to work 9 to 5* their  job ceases to be a joy and becomes a burden. You feel like a mule walking in a circle around a fire. You don’t get any of the cane sugar but you do get to sweat a lot... this seems like a tangent ... lets move on.

One of my favorite Dolly Pardon songs is 9 to 5. It’s not a bad movie either. Not a good life plan to follow but fun high jinks!

Here are some fun things to do on a slow day. If you are brave and have run out of five hour energy type drugs.**

1.    Make hand puppets and pop them over random cubicles. I actually did this one day. The person might have peed themselves. No regrets.

2.    If you end up on the phone with someone speaking a language you vaguely recognized, continue the conversation with a  mishmash of all languages you know of, “Patio set, cinco bella bano, oui.”

3.    When people are talking directly at you or if they are on the phone with someone else, purposely overhear bits of their conversation incorrectly.  As in, “Phisss Larry, I’m pretty sure Linda just asked for clown penis on her birthday cake.”

4.    Move things to random locations. Place a stapler onto the coffee machine. Wait. Does anyone seem to care, notice, or move it?

5.    Those chairs have wheels for a reason right? Or maybe not. Just remember the true winner is the person who does not end up in the ER. ***

6.    Fake bathroom distress. Repeatedly flush the toilet, cry, beg God to spare you, say things like, “Flush, please, please flush.” Just watch out for KARMA.

7.    Dream about something better than being at work. Like having your leg stuck in a bear trap, but it’s going to be ok, Lassie is on the way.

This Mama just might be cracking up.

*and a half if you are hourly.

**Not actually recommended but they are fun to daydream about. And who takes those energy things. It just seems dangerous.
*** Hmmm, actually that seems like a good way to go home for a few days.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Socially Awkward Sunday

I work the beverage table/ busing station at the church spaghetti dinner fundraiser. It is a rare opportunity to be socially awkward around a 100 people.

To the people I’m serving it may appear I’m keeping it together. But the people I’m working with get stammers, stutters and me wishing I could hide under the table.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Go-Go Gadget Cell Phone Rescue

I stayed home for the day with Badger Baby. We weren’t sick and only had one major errand to run. We woke up slowly and had some Momma/Baby cuddle time, which was wonderful..until he found my phone.

I think he wanted me to talk on it because he wacked it into my temple. As I was waiting my wits to return I grab the phone and threw it behind me. Whoops. It hit the headboard and landed under the bed in three easy pieces.

We have a king size bed, talk about first world problems. Um, I’m like so totally bummed my cell phone is like totally stuck under my giant comfy bed.

I had to get my go-go- gadget on to get that darn thing out.

I managed to go-go extento arm between the bed and headboard. Yeah, the headboard is just leaning against the wall, what of it? I managed to get the battery, and the main part of the phone, as well as a rouge pacifier, random magazine pages??!, socks, and a wash cloth. *

The back of the phone, important because it keeps the battery in without duct tape, was no where to be found. I was just getting my arm stuck and trying to think over the wails of Badger Baby.

Then I realized I was going to have to go under the bed, I cursing in my head my decision to buy grown-up bedding with a bed skirt as it landed on my head blocking out the light. Then I realized there was probably a flash light somewhere... after rummaging around for the flash light, and trying to calm BB ineffectively. I went under.

It was behind the middle post of the headboard and middle end support of the bed. And I could not reach it. I needed actual go-go gadgets. I thought about using the broom, but the last time it got stuck. Then I had it! I would push it to the end of the bed using our giant kitchen tongs.

I returned the battle well armed, pushed the plastic backing to the end of the bed. All while trying to make sure BB didn’t fall into the wall while climbing Momma like a jungle gym. **

Go-go gadget that thing out of there, put the phone together and charged it. All in time to get breakfast before Super Why.

Oh, and I left the tongs by the bed. Just so I could hear the Instructor exclaim, "Ohhh, things are going to get kinky in here." ***

* Should I clean more?...nah
** At least it calmed him down. He was laughing and having a good time at this point. 

*** Not that kinky!

This is the Line that Never Ends

I had to run to the Secretary of State’s Office (The DMV) to get some paperwork done for the new-to-us van.  I ran Badger inside in his car seat because he was asleep when we got there.

I pulled my take-a-number tab. I was 59. The line was stuck at 34. I tried to get BB back to sleep but soon realized it would be better just to take the seat back to the car and come back in.

It was a long wait with breaks into the mostly vacant mall to allow for BB to run free. When BB was calm I did some people watching.

There was the senior version of two wild and crazy guys. They actually teamed up to get a woman to smile. I think she pretended she didn’t understand English. They also hit on the woman behind the desk for a good 20 minutes. She was cracking up.

They were all together harmless if a little vile.

I also saw a guy with huge, huge spacers in his ears. He seemed sweet enough but that just looks painful. I don’t get that or the need for white chicks to dreadlock their hair.

I get that hair is annoying but when a white girl does it she looks like she has a head covered in turds. I saw a woman buying diapers and she had dreads. I realize when you have a baby washing your hair is a pain in the ass, but who knows what ends up in that mess. Poo, spit up, blood...I don’t know and ewww.*

Not Hot... from

 At least I didn't get called up by lady that calls a number and then waits 10 seconds before calling the next number. She likes to make people run and shout.

*I cannot stand having greasy hair. It is an OCD thing. But the only time it really bugs me on other people is when I know they did it on purpose.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

In the Dark, Dark Night or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Like Breastfeeding

I still breastfeed the Badger Baby. I would be lying to your face*  if I told you it wasn’t difficult as heck.
But if you sit right there I’ll tell you all a little story of Badger Baby became the prince of breastfeeding...

So, I refused to make a birth plan, what with my OCD I was not going down that path.**

I also refused to read the informational chapter on c-sections In You are Doing EVERYTHING WRONG and YOUR BABY IS THE SIZE OF RANDOM PRODUCE     What To Expect When You Are Expecting. 

I was going to squeeze this baby out if it killed me. But he got stuck, was sunside up ***, and his heart rate dropped. When a baby’s heart rate drops you can do whatever to me just get the kid safe.

I did not expect the pain of recovery, the hopelessness of not being able to get on the floor for tummy time, the wearing of slippers until the swelling goes down, the sleepless nights. 

My little Badger had to spend some time in the special care nursery because of various complications of the birth process. They did let me hold him in my room after my drugs wore off and I tried to breast feed by sticking my boob in his face. It worked, sort of. It was by no means graceful or life affirming.

Badger  also got daily doses of formula because of the complications. I do not regret the Instructor making that decision; it allowed him to be involved in the nightly feedings and for me to have time to increase my milk supply.  Badger was never a picky eater and he had a strong latch.

I actually really injured one of my breasts because I didn’t realize the strength of his latch and just tried to pull him away. BIG MISTAKE!****

After that injury, I would have intense pain every time he latched on that breast. I kept it up, I swore like a sailor, screamed at my mom and husband, cried and thought about walking into traffic, but I kept it up. Turns out I had a yeast infection in the crack, mmm yeasty. 

I never enjoyed nursing in those first few months, in fact when he ate and pinched too hard I would call him a badger baby with robotic arms. It always seemed he was crying when I was alone with him, unless it was feeding him. 

You might be wondering why I used the name Badger Baby as an endearment, well it was never him it was me. I admire his tenacity and his wonderful stubbornness.

Part of the problem was that I was depressed. And once I realized that and sought help, things got easier, I bounced back; I had an easier time bonding with my son. I learned that I didn’t always have to try to make everything right on my own. It was fine to ask for help.

I learned that I was the mommy my Badger needed, not just the one he ended up with by chance.

So, I totally understand anyone who says breast feeding isn’t for them. It isn’t selfish to say, "Ok, I can’t handle this". You have to give up a lot, cold meds, allergy pills, drinking, sanity.

 I am glad that my journey led me to a calmer place. That ultimately by me sticking with it I got to keep that feeling of bonding time when I got home and to feel like I was taking care of him when I pumped at work. 

Now, if could just figure out a drama-free way to wean because that little badger dude is getting his top teeth. EEP!

 I also have great hope that things will be a bit easier with the next one. After all it won't be my first rodeo. 


*Great insult = YOUR FACE! 
**This was before I sought treatment so I would try to do opposite of what the cornstarch music monster (you know because it morphs) told me with mixed results
***nice way to say horrible back labor.
****If you are about to become a new mother never do this. Stick your finger in their mouth and de-latch, I don’t’ care if you are OCD and feel like all the dirt of the hospital is on your hands just do it!

Pain in the ...

I recently had to get a crown, to cover my root canal, after I got a cavity filled, which apparently was a deep one. Why worthy of a post? Why not? Also, the fact is I have managed with limited dental care to make it to 29 without much in the way of drilling*.

My eyes remained closed to protect them from water and tooth chunks. And scary people with pointed metal thingies.
Then boom, I hit 29,  had a kid and my teeth started falling apart. Of course he was totally worth it but wow, this was with me taking prenatals and not drinking soda. Sure when I was depressed I didn’t brush my teeth, but that was only for like a month.

Anywho, so I went to the dentist yesterday so she could finish it up before I lose my insurance. It seemed they were intent on trying to give me a panic attack. First the dentist pops on the crown says “OH WOW,” and I’m thinking WHAT, WHAT! OMG! WHAT! But she was just in awe of how it “fit perfectly”. Then I went to pay and they were like, "This costs blah blah blah twice as high as we agreed on," and I’m like what? Is that with insurance figured in? And she was like , “Lolz it's actually half that price.”

And people wonder why they don’t like going to the dentist.

A least Colorectal Doctors have a better sense of humor, "We can cancel that follow-up if you don't feel like you need to talk about your butt in two months." Sadly for him I always want to talk about my butt. 

*Ok, maybe some drilling but not the lame kind HI OH!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Here We Go, Go, Go on an Adventure!

What is big and blue and sitting in our garage. A minivan! We are on our way. Luckily I don't think we have to flip any thing-a-ding or whatever that darn cat says to get it to acceleration.

I fear the party days are truly over.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The Diaper Diaries

As I've mention in a previous post I worked for a few years at a day care and have a son who is a little over one year old. This means that I have dealt with my share of diaper disasters.

I would like to share with you some of my favorite/least favorite, omg so gross moments.

The Escapee

This happens when the child in question no longer feels that they should be subjected to the fetters of contained poop or pee and makes a run for it. This may occur either mid-diaper change or after said child masters the tabs of the diaper. It can be difficult to chase them as you might be laughing very hard at their little bottom or you might feel like tearing your hair out and bursting into tears. It all depends on the number of times this occurs in a day and/or if you are having a just need to go to the drug store to get the happy pills before it closes and will you please come back here so I can put that diaper on right now, moment.

The Artful Pooper

The world is a canvas and anything that spreads well is paint. And you just had to feed the beast tacos last night.

The Car Seat Disaster

While not actually comparable to the Titanic, it can seem that way when one is travelling down an interstate, far from running water and hears the dreaded wet fart noise of poo defying the laws of gravity. The smell wafting from the back seat will indeed remind one of biological weapons or chemical spills. And like Lady Macbeth, the car seat will never come clean, no matter how many wipes you use.

P.S. I would recommend leaving the soiled romper on the side of the highway to rot but that’s not fair to any small animals or hobos that might wander into the area.

The Fountain of Doom

Newborn babies like to pee, poo, eat and sleep. But they LOVE peeing when they are not wearing a diaper.  For those of you with newborn girls this may mean a table flood for those of use with boys it means a shooting contests with no clear winners. The pee will literally get everywhere and the range is impressive. Especially if farting is involved, it’s like a jet pack for pee delivery. Due to my c-section we were pretty much spending most of our time in the Badger’s room and had a very clear line of where it was safe to place tables, books, toys. We occasionally broke the rules, like when I had to wrap a wedding gift for a cousin. We placed the remaining paper on the floor to change Badger’s diaper and but it was unknowingly in the fire zone. The Instructor tried to rescue it by kicking it away but it only managed to become more soaked. I can still here that spatter of the poor paper being destroyed.

The Quick Look-See

This is to check if there is poop in the diaper before you tackle the baby/toddler onto the diaper changing station of your choice. This may be a lifesaver but if you have a back poo situation you will spend some time dry heaving and trying to get your fingernails clean.

The Smell-Test

Better than the Look-See in that your likelihood of unknowingly touching poo is reduced (unless there was a silent leak, until this moment oddly odour-free poo) But it is kind of weird and you are likely to get kicked in the face.

The Mystery Poo

You don’t see it coming; you don’t smell it coming, but suddenly  there is a turd in your living room or bathroom or bedroom. Where did it come from? You check the diaper and it is weirdly poo smear-free. You silently cry as you clean your carpet (or if you are lucky tile). This unfortunate event actually happened at the daycare one day after nap. It resulted in the lock down and the need to decontaminate an entire room. I almost quit that day.

The Tub Poo

This work of art is difficult to contain and results in a long term decontamination effort. It is slightly better if done in the baby tub, you might be helpless to stop it but at least you can rinse the child and dump the tub water in the toilet. With older children, especially with more than one in the tub, you get the same effects of the mystery turd, but with more screaming and having to fish it out a-la-Caddy Shack.

The Escape from The Floor

Badger will literally twist himself around so he can gain leverage from the floor and push out of my arms while I’m holding onto his ankles. He is like a road runner when he doesn’t want his diaper on.

Again thanks for reading and enjoy the bonus comics.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


My 8 year old dream self.
What I might look like in reality.

When I was a child I wanted to be many things. A ballerina, like my Barbie, an artist because I liked to draw and tell stories, a race car driver because of this movie (Heart Like a Wheel) and I wanted to look a certain way too.

I loved watching 80’s sitcoms like Designing Woman and Cheers and longed to dress up like the woman did when they had a fancy party. You know big hair, black sequin dresses, and serious heels.

I now realize many of the women I thought were so glamorous sort of resembled drag queens. But it was the 80’s and early 90’s, so it was all good. I mean I had shoulder pads when I was 8!

Now that it appears black sequins are back in vogue (oh the sparkles) it seems that my dream might be realized. Sure I might end up looking a little more Delta Burke than skinny, but I girls got to flaunt what she’s got.

easter candy

I gave up candy for Lent. If you didn’t give up anything I’m not judging. It was totally my choice and my sacrifice and I believe to each their own.

It was difficult Lenten season for three reasons:

1. I got some bad news and when I get bad news I need chocolate.

2. I didn’t really give up much last year due to the fact I just had a baby and I was in a special wacky places called PPD.

3 I was trying hard to be good because I felt I should really try to test my limits this year.

Well, Saturday night we could finally have sweets again (The Instructor also gave up sweets) and we end up mauling a piece of birthday cake. Then we had candy and a little more cake and some bread pudding and a little more cake. I also went on a discount candy run to Walgreens on my break at work. I’m in sugar-buzz-land and might have given myself diabetes. *

Oh, chocolate... why do you have to taste so sweet? Guess I should probably work on having some more will power. In the mean time I’ll be sitting here twitching.

Badger Baby also enjoyed Easter, he found the chocolate to be confusing at first but after he tasted it his eyes got all big. A friend also got him a basket (which he said tank euuu for)and he was carrying the candy eggs around ( with the foil on) putting them to his mouth and going mmmm guuud, then putting them back in the basket.

*Yes, I’m aware diabetes is no joke to live with, but it is fun to say in a Wilford Brimley voice.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Happy Easter

My little badger may be too old to wear duckies* but he isn’t too big for bunny ears. Oh, the pictures I shall take!

The photos from last year of him in a bunny suit with bunny feet and bunny ears will always be dear to my heart. But I’m looking forward to getting a few action shots this year. 

This isn’t badger baby’s first Easter of course but it is the first when he might be vaguely excited to get a few new toys and a piece of candy. **

We are also more involved in church this year but most of those happenings take place on Saturday night. I’m more concerned about installing values through example than trying to teach meanings this year.

*According to The Instructor, I personally believe there is no age limit on a good duck themed outfit.

**Yes, I give my child candy and ice cream once in a great while. Yet he continues to eat healthy food like parsnips and carrots and apples and baaananas.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

The Snot Diaries

BB and I have colds. Not terrible, mind altering, crawl under the bed and cry illness or anything, just lots of snot and stuffiness and not much sleep.

Mostly it’s annoying to feel like crud and still have to work and do chores and stuff.

So in an effort to lighten my mood, I present to you: THE SNOT DIARIES (shouting for effect).

The String of Yuck
The Double Fount or Fu Man-a-chu

Single Fount

The Snot Bubble

Sunday, April 1, 2012