Wednesday, April 11, 2012

The Diaper Diaries

As I've mention in a previous post I worked for a few years at a day care and have a son who is a little over one year old. This means that I have dealt with my share of diaper disasters.

I would like to share with you some of my favorite/least favorite, omg so gross moments.

The Escapee

This happens when the child in question no longer feels that they should be subjected to the fetters of contained poop or pee and makes a run for it. This may occur either mid-diaper change or after said child masters the tabs of the diaper. It can be difficult to chase them as you might be laughing very hard at their little bottom or you might feel like tearing your hair out and bursting into tears. It all depends on the number of times this occurs in a day and/or if you are having a just need to go to the drug store to get the happy pills before it closes and will you please come back here so I can put that diaper on right now, moment.

The Artful Pooper

The world is a canvas and anything that spreads well is paint. And you just had to feed the beast tacos last night.

The Car Seat Disaster

While not actually comparable to the Titanic, it can seem that way when one is travelling down an interstate, far from running water and hears the dreaded wet fart noise of poo defying the laws of gravity. The smell wafting from the back seat will indeed remind one of biological weapons or chemical spills. And like Lady Macbeth, the car seat will never come clean, no matter how many wipes you use.

P.S. I would recommend leaving the soiled romper on the side of the highway to rot but that’s not fair to any small animals or hobos that might wander into the area.

The Fountain of Doom

Newborn babies like to pee, poo, eat and sleep. But they LOVE peeing when they are not wearing a diaper.  For those of you with newborn girls this may mean a table flood for those of use with boys it means a shooting contests with no clear winners. The pee will literally get everywhere and the range is impressive. Especially if farting is involved, it’s like a jet pack for pee delivery. Due to my c-section we were pretty much spending most of our time in the Badger’s room and had a very clear line of where it was safe to place tables, books, toys. We occasionally broke the rules, like when I had to wrap a wedding gift for a cousin. We placed the remaining paper on the floor to change Badger’s diaper and but it was unknowingly in the fire zone. The Instructor tried to rescue it by kicking it away but it only managed to become more soaked. I can still here that spatter of the poor paper being destroyed.

The Quick Look-See

This is to check if there is poop in the diaper before you tackle the baby/toddler onto the diaper changing station of your choice. This may be a lifesaver but if you have a back poo situation you will spend some time dry heaving and trying to get your fingernails clean.

The Smell-Test

Better than the Look-See in that your likelihood of unknowingly touching poo is reduced (unless there was a silent leak, until this moment oddly odour-free poo) But it is kind of weird and you are likely to get kicked in the face.

The Mystery Poo

You don’t see it coming; you don’t smell it coming, but suddenly  there is a turd in your living room or bathroom or bedroom. Where did it come from? You check the diaper and it is weirdly poo smear-free. You silently cry as you clean your carpet (or if you are lucky tile). This unfortunate event actually happened at the daycare one day after nap. It resulted in the lock down and the need to decontaminate an entire room. I almost quit that day.

The Tub Poo

This work of art is difficult to contain and results in a long term decontamination effort. It is slightly better if done in the baby tub, you might be helpless to stop it but at least you can rinse the child and dump the tub water in the toilet. With older children, especially with more than one in the tub, you get the same effects of the mystery turd, but with more screaming and having to fish it out a-la-Caddy Shack.

The Escape from The Floor

Badger will literally twist himself around so he can gain leverage from the floor and push out of my arms while I’m holding onto his ankles. He is like a road runner when he doesn’t want his diaper on.

Again thanks for reading and enjoy the bonus comics.

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