Poorly Drawn Honey Badger Explains it All

So many changes for the Mama Yorba household, for example we have a new house, which really changes things up. I have also started writing for the Examiner, which is really fun and shiny.

I have really been battling with my OCD in the last few weeks. Moving is a huge trigger. Having to touch all the stuff I have deemed “unclean” is a struggle, as is actually throwing stuff away. Not wanting to ever be featured on the show, “Hoarders” really helps.

But even with all that drama for your mama’s head I have managed to make a nice home. It no longer looks like honey badgers are camping in my living spaces.  

Because sometimes there is nothing else to say...

MOCAFE MATCHA GREEN TEA

Super Summer Fruit Latte

1 packet of Mocafe Matcha Green Tea

6 oz of milk

6 strawberries

 2 peaches

1 banana

¼ cup of vanilla yogurt

Optional – 1/8 cup of chocolate or white chocolate chips

Blend the tea packet and milk first.  Chop up fruit and add to mixture, blend more. Add yogurt to thicken mixture, blend. Add chocolate or white chocolate chips.

Pour into a glass and enjoy a super fun dance party in your mouth. 

Notes:

This drink can be kind of a funky green after you add the fruit, so it might be a good idea to add a few drops of green dye. I didn’t mind the color and preferred to keep it a little more natural.

Add more yogurt for a creamier drink.

I thought that the powder smelled kind of like chocolate when I pour it in the blender.

I really did enjoy the drink and hope you do as well. I think they should totally serve it at Biggby Coffee! Thanks to Mocafe for provided me with the sample.

Spots, dots, Polka dot

We are going through a bout of summer illness and it isn’t much fun. First the weather was way hot and now this.

Little Badger had hand, foot and mouth. We thought we were bad parents because we kept him up late to go to the drive-in movies. I swear I thought he would fall asleep in the back on the blanket bed I made. But it was really the dread pirate* illness of hand, foot and mouth.  Oh well at least I can feel better about dragging him to the movies.

Fun Fact 1: The virus is contagious 2 days before symptoms are apparent.

Fun Fact 2: It is yucky!

*Not actually a disease widely spread by pirates, more common with grubby, pirate-like toddlers, so like all of them.

He is healing fairly quickly and now he is getting frustrated with Mama because, now I’m sick. I’m really hoping I got exposed to hand, foot, and mouth at the daycare.

Since we cannot have our typical fun time dance party. 

I've come up with a list of fun games to play while ill and cowering on the futon, while trying not to get kicked in the head by a pirate or ninja baby.

Mommy is sleeping try not to wake her up. No actually sleeping involved, however you do get to rest your eyes for about 5 seconds

Mommy is a mountain.  This allows your toddler to happily climb while possibly giving you kidney damage and/or a concussion.

Mommy is throwing some s*%#. Look a ball, you should get that and possibly not throw it back at my head.

Oh, look PBS offers several hours of quality programming. Let’s rot our brains together. Yay! Bonding! Every show but Barney… he is dead to me. I don’t think you know the song. I’ll sing it to you when you are older, except you won’t know what I’m talking about because Barney doesn’t exists.

Let’s lay on the floor and color or build with blocks.

Pretend this is the floor with blocks, and crayons and ABC  goldfish. Yeah, I don't mean they are shaped like ABCs I mean like old bubble gum.

Tickle time and kissy face. Your toddler wants to make you feel better and does not understand the concept of germs. Wheee! 

The one where I claim to be a poet

While looking for my resume I realized a couple of things. One is I really need to organize my computer files. Two is I used to write poems that were really thoughtful and weird. I titled this one Molly's Crappy Poem but seeing it with new eyes and a few edits I think it's only moderately silly. Enjoy. 

No Money Down 

She said, “Forget the donkey.”

We left him at the city gate

Slogging forward on foot,  

our eyes adjust to the smog-filtered light.

Old newspapers bloom toadstools

 from abandoned corners

fresh mold stains sidewalks

Flyers screaming, “NO MONEY DOWN”

Float free

Like tumble weeds

Or plastered chain link fences

and

smack wetly under our boots

Faded headlines proclaim,

“Barbie gets a boob job”

and

“Get Rich without TRYING”

Backlit billboard sit low

On the horizon like

Idling UFO’s

Rabid duck gather

Under street lights

preening, wild-eyed ladies of the night.

We stop at in front of a

Crumbling sandstone tower

plastered with the ads of the century.

My companion smiles toothlessly

at the image of her former self

advertising tooth whiting cream.

I rub my finger nubs along a glossy, torn photo of

Me, flashing neon-glow-in-the-dark- press-on-nails

We add our spit

To the puddle

watering

The milkweed monarchy

And go sleep at a train station

Where the fire below fans the red

hair of my companion into a halo of regret.

ant dat!

Badger has reached the “WANT THAT NOW “stage of his development. Well, I guess he has been in that stage forever but now he is able to verbally express it. As well as voice his displeasure loudly and repetitively if necessary.

It started off slowly, we would pass by a sunglass rack or something similar in the store and he would shout “Ant DAT! Uh uh” To which stupidly, I often replied “Eh, what’s the harm” and let him play with stuff. Unfortunately, this leads to loud screams of despair when play time is over and Badger doesn’t much like it either.

I’m slowly learning through negative reinforcement that it’s better that I just walk on by, often grim faced, my feet keeping time to the sound track of “antdatantantantdatantdatANNNNTTTDATTTT”

I often find myself almost rushing to find something anything that the Badger cannot break into that will distract him for the rest of the shopping trip. Let me tell you it came down to a jar of bread chunks the other day at the specialty grocer. Who buys that anyway at 5 dollars a pop?

I do love when we are sitting together for a meal and he points and says “ant dat ess” which, appears to mean want that cheese. It is a good feeling knowing that we are teaching a Badger to communicate his wants and needs.

Thank goodness he is a cutie!

I Brake for Yard Sales

I have a new hobby for the summer. YARD SALES. Did you know you can find stuff there. Stuff that other people have used sure, and I draw the line at any open lotions or topical female area treatments. Yes, some lady really put out a container of vag powder.

Not really sure on the thought process behind that one. "Oh, I could always say it belonged to my sister and I really don't want it in my bathroom anymore. I know I'll get a quarter for it at the yard sale." How about no, how about you open that trash bag over there and deposit it into it.

I also saw someone trying to sell an open bottle of low end -buy-it-at-Wal-Mart-for-a-1.60- lotion for 2 dollars. Just because it's old doesn't make it limited addition.

You also see some really cool stuff. Like a smoker for the grill, playhouses, and a ton of baby clothes. Badger got a nice summer wardrobe for like 12 dollars total.

I also love to get a deal. I'm a pretty reserved person but I usually will haggle at yard sales. I guess because most of the stuff that I sold at my last one got talked down at least 50 cents. It is kind of a high to get the "deal".

Badger is good with the yard sailing (haahaa pun) he likes the walking part but not so much the looking. He did manage to snag some stacking cups off a table. I ended up buying them, because unlike a store where we can just leave if he pitches a fit, the wails carry for miles if he starts up. Haha.

I am also doing better than ever. A few years ago I couldn't have looked through other peoples old stuff without needing a shower afterwards. Now, I am able pick stuff up and maybe even buy a cup of lemonade. It feels like freedom and I like it.

Clean House

Cleaning and organizing is very interesting when you throw OCD into the mix. You get half as much done because you have twice as many steps. Your mind has a rabid cave person at the helm when it comes to germs and chemicals. I’m trying to knock out that cave dweller because, really who wants someone at the wheel that doesn’t even know what a wheel is…come on!

Anyway part of the reason that I’m shorted tempered lately is we let our house get a little wild. If it was a yard it would be the yard in front of the falling down house, with 4 junk cars and weird steps in the middle.  So I’ve been organizing. I put boxes in closets, cleaned my desk, cleaned the kitchen and it’s still kind of crazy. We got more stuff than house.

I’m always on the verge of a breakdown, hoarders-style when I clean. On the one hand I want to keep everything because I grew up poor and I’m crafty. On the other I kind of want to throw it all away or wash all things.

It’s really difficult finding that middle point but I think I’m finally breaking through with it. My desk no longer looks like a squirrel nest. I have two boxes of craft supplies and most of my sanity. 

Playground and Puddles

I’ve been a stay at home mom for a full week now. Badger Baby and I are still getting accustomed to all the together time.  He is a bit more clingy than usual and I’m a little shorter with my temper but everything is starting to fall into place.

We spend more time at the playground now. Badger Baby loves the outdoors but we just can’t play in the yard too much. We rent so we have no fence to keep him away from the busy street. Of course toddlers want to see cool cars so that gets kind of tiring and frustrating for both of us.

The playground is awesome and there is a momma duck nesting under a slide structures. 

Weird place for a nest there momma.

It is kind of fun to people watch too. Badger loves to hug the other kids. Little girls and some boys love it others get a little frightened.  I try to wait a moment to step in, it is such a friendly, loving gesture that I don’t want to him to think is bad or wrong. 

I am TODDLER. HEAR ME ROAR!

Mothers and fathers certainly have a different idea of playground safety. I noticed it when the Instructor and I took Badger to the park one Saturday. He would let Badger crawl up the slides etc. and I was saying no, no.

I felt a little better when I saw a couple with their 1 and ½ year old having a similar disagreement. He was just old enough to go down a taller slide, she wanted hubby to stand at the bottom and he was like “Nah, he’s fine.”  Rinse and repeat at least four times. Ha.

He could sort of do it. 

Maybe Badger will get to chase some ducks again today. The sun finally came out after nearly 4 days of showers and fog. 

Working 9 to 5

Sometimes when a person has to work 9 to 5* their  job ceases to be a joy and becomes a burden. You feel like a mule walking in a circle around a fire. You don’t get any of the cane sugar but you do get to sweat a lot... this seems like a tangent ... lets move on.

One of my favorite Dolly Pardon songs is 9 to 5. It’s not a bad movie either. Not a good life plan to follow but fun high jinks!

Here are some fun things to do on a slow day. If you are brave and have run out of five hour energy type drugs.**

1.    Make hand puppets and pop them over random cubicles. I actually did this one day. The person might have peed themselves. No regrets.

2.    If you end up on the phone with someone speaking a language you vaguely recognized, continue the conversation with a  mishmash of all languages you know of, “Patio set, cinco bella bano, oui.”

3.    When people are talking directly at you or if they are on the phone with someone else, purposely overhear bits of their conversation incorrectly.  As in, “Phisss Larry, I’m pretty sure Linda just asked for clown penis on her birthday cake.”

4.    Move things to random locations. Place a stapler onto the coffee machine. Wait. Does anyone seem to care, notice, or move it?

5.    Those chairs have wheels for a reason right? Or maybe not. Just remember the true winner is the person who does not end up in the ER. ***

6.    Fake bathroom distress. Repeatedly flush the toilet, cry, beg God to spare you, say things like, “Flush, please, please flush.” Just watch out for KARMA.

7.    Dream about something better than being at work. Like having your leg stuck in a bear trap, but it’s going to be ok, Lassie is on the way.


This Mama just might be cracking up.




*and a half if you are hourly.



**Not actually recommended but they are fun to daydream about. And who takes those energy things. It just seems dangerous.
*** Hmmm, actually that seems like a good way to go home for a few days.

Socially Awkward Sunday

I work the beverage table/ busing station at the church spaghetti dinner fundraiser. It is a rare opportunity to be socially awkward around a 100 people.

To the people I’m serving it may appear I’m keeping it together. But the people I’m working with get stammers, stutters and me wishing I could hide under the table.

Go-Go Gadget Cell Phone Rescue

I stayed home for the day with Badger Baby. We weren’t sick and only had one major errand to run. We woke up slowly and had some Momma/Baby cuddle time, which was wonderful..until he found my phone.

I think he wanted me to talk on it because he wacked it into my temple. As I was waiting my wits to return I grab the phone and threw it behind me. Whoops. It hit the headboard and landed under the bed in three easy pieces.

We have a king size bed, talk about first world problems. Um, I’m like so totally bummed my cell phone is like totally stuck under my giant comfy bed.



I had to get my go-go- gadget on to get that darn thing out.



I managed to go-go extento arm between the bed and headboard. Yeah, the headboard is just leaning against the wall, what of it? I managed to get the battery, and the main part of the phone, as well as a rouge pacifier, random magazine pages??!, socks, and a wash cloth. *

The back of the phone, important because it keeps the battery in without duct tape, was no where to be found. I was just getting my arm stuck and trying to think over the wails of Badger Baby.


Then I realized I was going to have to go under the bed, I cursing in my head my decision to buy grown-up bedding with a bed skirt as it landed on my head blocking out the light. Then I realized there was probably a flash light somewhere... after rummaging around for the flash light, and trying to calm BB ineffectively. I went under.

It was behind the middle post of the headboard and middle end support of the bed. And I could not reach it. I needed actual go-go gadgets. I thought about using the broom, but the last time it got stuck. Then I had it! I would push it to the end of the bed using our giant kitchen tongs.

I returned the battle well armed, pushed the plastic backing to the end of the bed. All while trying to make sure BB didn’t fall into the wall while climbing Momma like a jungle gym. **



Go-go gadget that thing out of there, put the phone together and charged it. All in time to get breakfast before Super Why.

Oh, and I left the tongs by the bed. Just so I could hear the Instructor exclaim, "Ohhh, things are going to get kinky in here." ***



* Should I clean more?...nah
** At least it calmed him down. He was laughing and having a good time at this point. 

*** Not that kinky!

This is the Line that Never Ends

I had to run to the Secretary of State’s Office (The DMV) to get some paperwork done for the new-to-us van.  I ran Badger inside in his car seat because he was asleep when we got there.

I pulled my take-a-number tab. I was 59. The line was stuck at 34. I tried to get BB back to sleep but soon realized it would be better just to take the seat back to the car and come back in.

It was a long wait with breaks into the mostly vacant mall to allow for BB to run free. When BB was calm I did some people watching.

There was the senior version of two wild and crazy guys. They actually teamed up to get a woman to smile. I think she pretended she didn’t understand English. They also hit on the woman behind the desk for a good 20 minutes. She was cracking up.

They were all together harmless if a little vile.

I also saw a guy with huge, huge spacers in his ears. He seemed sweet enough but that just looks painful. I don’t get that or the need for white chicks to dreadlock their hair.

I get that hair is annoying but when a white girl does it she looks like she has a head covered in turds. I saw a woman buying diapers and she had dreads. I realize when you have a baby washing your hair is a pain in the ass, but who knows what ends up in that mess. Poo, spit up, blood...I don’t know and ewww.*

Not Hot... from http://whitepeoplewithdreadlocks.tumblr.com

 At least I didn't get called up by lady that calls a number and then waits 10 seconds before calling the next number. She likes to make people run and shout.

*I cannot stand having greasy hair. It is an OCD thing. But the only time it really bugs me on other people is when I know they did it on purpose.

In the Dark, Dark Night or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Like Breastfeeding

I still breastfeed the Badger Baby. I would be lying to your face*  if I told you it wasn’t difficult as heck.

But if you sit right there I’ll tell you all a little story of Badger Baby became the prince of breastfeeding...

So, I refused to make a birth plan, what with my OCD I was not going down that path.**

I also refused to read the informational chapter on c-sections In You are Doing EVERYTHING WRONG and YOUR BABY IS THE SIZE OF RANDOM PRODUCE     What To Expect When You Are Expecting. 

I was going to squeeze this baby out if it killed me. But he got stuck, was sunside up ***, and his heart rate dropped. When a baby’s heart rate drops you can do whatever to me just get the kid safe.

I did not expect the pain of recovery, the hopelessness of not being able to get on the floor for tummy time, the wearing of slippers until the swelling goes down, the sleepless nights. 

My little Badger had to spend some time in the special care nursery because of various complications of the birth process. They did let me hold him in my room after my drugs wore off and I tried to breast feed by sticking my boob in his face. It worked, sort of. It was by no means graceful or life affirming.

Badger  also got daily doses of formula because of the complications. I do not regret the Instructor making that decision; it allowed him to be involved in the nightly feedings and for me to have time to increase my milk supply.  Badger was never a picky eater and he had a strong latch.

I actually really injured one of my breasts because I didn’t realize the strength of his latch and just tried to pull him away. BIG MISTAKE!****

After that injury, I would have intense pain every time he latched on that breast. I kept it up, I swore like a sailor, screamed at my mom and husband, cried and thought about walking into traffic, but I kept it up. Turns out I had a yeast infection in the crack, mmm yeasty. 

I never enjoyed nursing in those first few months, in fact when he ate and pinched too hard I would call him a badger baby with robotic arms. It always seemed he was crying when I was alone with him, unless it was feeding him. 

You might be wondering why I used the name Badger Baby as an endearment, well it was never him it was me. I admire his tenacity and his wonderful stubbornness.

Part of the problem was that I was depressed. And once I realized that and sought help, things got easier, I bounced back; I had an easier time bonding with my son. I learned that I didn’t always have to try to make everything right on my own. It was fine to ask for help.

I learned that I was the mommy my Badger needed, not just the one he ended up with by chance.

So, I totally understand anyone who says breast feeding isn’t for them. It isn’t selfish to say, "Ok, I can’t handle this". You have to give up a lot, cold meds, allergy pills, drinking, sanity.

 I am glad that my journey led me to a calmer place. That ultimately by me sticking with it I got to keep that feeling of bonding time when I got home and to feel like I was taking care of him when I pumped at work. 

Now, if could just figure out a drama-free way to wean because that little badger dude is getting his top teeth. EEP!

 I also have great hope that things will be a bit easier with the next one. After all it won't be my first rodeo. 

from zedomax.com

*Great insult = YOUR FACE! 

**This was before I sought treatment so I would try to do opposite of what the cornstarch music monster (you know because it morphs) told me with mixed results

***nice way to say horrible back labor.

****If you are about to become a new mother never do this. Stick your finger in their mouth and de-latch, I don’t’ care if you are OCD and feel like all the dirt of the hospital is on your hands just do it!